In recent months I have suffered terrible loss in my family. In June my 26 year old cousin died in a boating accident. At the end of August my uncle 50 years old died in his sleep. Both were from the same family. And now on September 11, 2007 I find out my 19 year old cousin died in a car accident in Texas. He had just started college. I don’t know what to say…….I feel so numb…….It seems totally unreal to me to lose 3 young people in my family so suddenly. I have never heard such a thing. I feel deep sadness. It is my nature to “therapy” myself. That is what I call it when I try to work through challenging circumstances in my life. I do have a BS in Psychology after all.
One book that has helped me tremendously recently is called Awakening from Grief by John E. Welshons. He says, “We may notice that our cultural training, which has been to ignore, deny, and avoid whatever is unpleasant, leads us deeper into confusion and numbness by offering only distraction as a solution.” This is Welshons view of our culture; “our entire culture is built on maximizing pleasure through the systematic avoidance of grief. We worship youth, beauty, strength, energy, vitality, health, prosperity, and power. We have confined illness, aging, and death to hospitals, nursing homes, funeral homes, and cemeteries. At every stage of our lives we are desperately trying to overcome the ways in which our bodies and our world disappoint us.”
I appreciated Welshons view of our culture. “Distraction as a solution.” I go back to work and I use it to distract me. I go to class and I use it to distract me. My external environment is the same therefore I must act the same. If I am acting the same then I must be fine. This leaves me feeling frustrated.
I wonder if the speed of the Internet has contributed to the speed of our lives? Do we expect people to recover from loss in the time it would take to do a Google search?
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4 comments:
My thoughts are with you. I do not think there is any time table to deal with life changing events. It is just too personal. I also do not think the Internet has sped up our lives, I just think it feels like life moves faster for me as the years pass.
I have to believe that everyone understands that grieving is a process that cannot be rushed. Even when we think it is done it can surprise us. I was digging through my file cabinet last week and came across a letter from my father who has been dead almost seven years now. It brought him right back and with him the grief of losing him. Although having said that, he is never far from my thoughts.
Hang in there and don't minimize what you are enduring. Way too many losses...
I cannot imagine losing three family members in the manner that you just did. I am so sorry. Please accept my sympathies.
I lost two very good friends on Monday. One was my son's teacher and the other, a co-museum worker. I found out about both of their deaths within minutes, one of the other. It knocked the wind right out of me. They were in their mid-fifties. I had seen them both not long ago; they were fine.
With these two beautiful women, as it appears to be with your relatives, death should not be proud b/c their spirits touched so many people's hearts while they were alive.
Death gives us pause, though, doesn't it? In the grand scheme of things, what is a wiki or a blog or the fact that I cannot for the life of me do anything right the first time with technological challenges?
All of it, however, represents life at this moment. With the flick of the wrist, life can spin on a dime.
So, l'chaim! To life! -- while we have it.
Take care, Kim.
Kimberly,
I know my comment is a bit late, but my thoughts are with you. Yesterday was my brother, Warren's birthday. We come from a family where there was some verbal and physical abuse. So, about five years ago, Warren changed his last name, and a year later, cut off all contact with the rest of us. While my loss cannot in any way compare to your multiple losses, I was closer to him than to my other two brothers, and I miss him. Sunday night I played games on the computer until late into the night, trying to numb myself to this inevitable reminder of loss that is human-made. Now I am paying for the loss of sleep in my lack of focus, and poor productivity.
If our society made as much effort to deal with difficult issues as it does at avoiding them, there would probably be a lot less cruelty and sadness in the world.
Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. See you in class!
h4p
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